I have wanted a secret for so long. Its starting to get painful. I have never wanted something so bad in my life than one small thing I have been unable to provide. I can't tell anyone because I am "young" but now its painful. Really painful.
All I want is a baby.
Maybe it is maternal instinct kicking in, or maybe its seeing everyone surrounding me suddenly getting pregnant, but I want a baby and have for some time.
I have seen several people around me get pregnant, and what makes things worse is that they are not married, unemployed, living with their parents, and a couple are even teenagers. I have a college degree, a husband that loves me and provides for me, and a house, and could not be in a more perfect position to have a child. Boy or girl.
My husband and I have even chosen names already. If its a boy, my husband chose Anthony. I'm not sure why, but he told me thats a name that he wanted and is stuck on. I will like it for my husband, and it has a nice ring to it after a while. I got to chose the girls name, and I chose either Lucy, which is my favorite, or Anabel, Bella as a nickname.
Anyway, the thought of how I have been unable to conceive is getting remarkably painful. I get incredibly depressed. I have gone to great lengths to improve my fertility, after a firm and prompt diagnoses of PCOS.
PCOS is a condition that prevents women from ovulation. I know, it sounds horrible, and it is. I have done everything I can to improve my chances, and I have run out of options. I think after a couple years of trying, I need to see a specialist.
I have worked out 3-5 days weekly, I have lost 20 lbs, I take folic acid and vitamins, and I have even sucussfully had a period after a year or so of vacancy in that department, I even have a doctors appointment TOMORROW. I even take a drug called metformin, which has had several cases of improvment as well. Still NOTHING.
I hate feeling this feeling of being broken. I feel so lost and like a failure. I hate being judged, I just hate everything about this. All I want is a child of my own. One I can love and cherish. It seems "god" has other plans for me.
The PCOS seems to mock me as well. It has some of the same symptoms of pregnancy, like no period, and hormonal imbalances that make your boobs hurt or give you headaches. Its fucking impossible to know whats going on.
I am proud to say after a year of nothing, I began my intense journey and I have had three periods in 5 months. A feat indeed. Still, it is December and if I were to have a 28 day cycle, I would be 3 days late as of today. I can pray, and I can want, but I have a feeling my heart will be shattered again. Recently, I have had a 40 day long cycle. Which tells me nothing. Tells me I am still very broken.
I'm broken emotionally and physically, and all I want is a child to spread joy for. Is that too much to ask?
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Knowing what the word "heinous" means
There is one rhetorical question I have longed to ask people. That question being:
Have you ever experienced something that has left a stain on your memory?
Which lead me to another question in pursuit for understanding:
Is that same occurrence something you think about at least once a day although years have past by like minutes?
I have.
I try to understand why I have kept this secret for so long, although 4 years have gone by but my memory haunts me. Whenever I lay alone in bed the same memory flashes before me, and I seem reluctant to speak the words on my mind. My husband doesn't even know what has happened. I can only imagine what other women have gone though, trying to forget what had happened to them as well, all of which most likely worse than my own experience.
I know what it feels like to be completely helpless. Eventually realizing I had put myself in an awkward and dangerous position. I haven't spoken about what had happened to me, but I remember every detail like it was yesterday.
I think one of the main reasons why I remember so vividly what had happened, is not only the experience itself but the repercussions afterward. I was a nerd, loner, he was a beloved jock. Of course, everyone turned against me, believing I was a liar although the experience remained a secret within my memory. If his family hadn't constantly called me leaving threatening messages on my phone, added metaphoric salt in an emotional wound, I would have repressed the memory and never uttered the words to anyone.
I had told my best friend about it, and how his family threatened me and how his friends whispered behind my back, making things worse and worse, but for some reason I kept to myself when it came to talking to the police.
I realize now I should have.
The lies soon became truth in their minds. A psychological outcome I should have predicted.
If I knew then what I do now, I would have reported him for the sexual predator he is. I don't know, to this day, if he ever attacked another helpless girl, but I know statistics, and they say he will strike again. A sexual sadist derives pleasure from the pain of others, and I got away with my life in tact. Someone else may not be so lucky.
Before, I thought I was doing my attacker a favor, allowing a jock, with a 4.0 go to college and become something. I wanted the rumors over. I wanted him to stop telling people I was going to snitch to the police, I wanted life to go back to normal.
It never did.
I remember the dogs barking outside the door. I remember shuttering in the corner, asking him to stop, and I remember him teasing me. As if it all were a joke.
Of course I blamed myself, and on some level I still do.
I am the type of person who laughs things off, awkward things, feared things, but then I should have said no. I should have started with no. But I didn't. I might have mislead the poor boy, but he should have known when enough was enough.
It was enough.
As soon as my brother arrived, luckily in the nick of time, who knows what would have happened. I was scarred from the things that had happened to me, but who knows what would have happened if others hadn't come over. If my phone hadn't rang.
My life had changed. I had become a victim over and over again. Starting with physically, ending emotionally. To this day it haunts me.
I try to write about it, I try to talk about it, but it seems silly and yet I know I'll cry. I should have done a lot of things. I joined the military hoping it would cure my emotional wounds, and protect me from future predators. It seems nothing can help me now, and time, does not cure anything. It just postpones the pain.
The agony.
The lies.
The deceptions.
The hate.
The tears.
I don't know what I would do if I saw him again. I don't know if I would leave, confront him, attack him, or cry. I don't know.
What I do know is for now, remaining in ignorance is better than knowing.
Have you ever experienced something that has left a stain on your memory?
Which lead me to another question in pursuit for understanding:
Is that same occurrence something you think about at least once a day although years have past by like minutes?
I have.
I try to understand why I have kept this secret for so long, although 4 years have gone by but my memory haunts me. Whenever I lay alone in bed the same memory flashes before me, and I seem reluctant to speak the words on my mind. My husband doesn't even know what has happened. I can only imagine what other women have gone though, trying to forget what had happened to them as well, all of which most likely worse than my own experience.
I know what it feels like to be completely helpless. Eventually realizing I had put myself in an awkward and dangerous position. I haven't spoken about what had happened to me, but I remember every detail like it was yesterday.
I think one of the main reasons why I remember so vividly what had happened, is not only the experience itself but the repercussions afterward. I was a nerd, loner, he was a beloved jock. Of course, everyone turned against me, believing I was a liar although the experience remained a secret within my memory. If his family hadn't constantly called me leaving threatening messages on my phone, added metaphoric salt in an emotional wound, I would have repressed the memory and never uttered the words to anyone.
I had told my best friend about it, and how his family threatened me and how his friends whispered behind my back, making things worse and worse, but for some reason I kept to myself when it came to talking to the police.
I realize now I should have.
The lies soon became truth in their minds. A psychological outcome I should have predicted.
If I knew then what I do now, I would have reported him for the sexual predator he is. I don't know, to this day, if he ever attacked another helpless girl, but I know statistics, and they say he will strike again. A sexual sadist derives pleasure from the pain of others, and I got away with my life in tact. Someone else may not be so lucky.
Before, I thought I was doing my attacker a favor, allowing a jock, with a 4.0 go to college and become something. I wanted the rumors over. I wanted him to stop telling people I was going to snitch to the police, I wanted life to go back to normal.
It never did.
I remember the dogs barking outside the door. I remember shuttering in the corner, asking him to stop, and I remember him teasing me. As if it all were a joke.
Of course I blamed myself, and on some level I still do.
I am the type of person who laughs things off, awkward things, feared things, but then I should have said no. I should have started with no. But I didn't. I might have mislead the poor boy, but he should have known when enough was enough.
It was enough.
As soon as my brother arrived, luckily in the nick of time, who knows what would have happened. I was scarred from the things that had happened to me, but who knows what would have happened if others hadn't come over. If my phone hadn't rang.
My life had changed. I had become a victim over and over again. Starting with physically, ending emotionally. To this day it haunts me.
I try to write about it, I try to talk about it, but it seems silly and yet I know I'll cry. I should have done a lot of things. I joined the military hoping it would cure my emotional wounds, and protect me from future predators. It seems nothing can help me now, and time, does not cure anything. It just postpones the pain.
The agony.
The lies.
The deceptions.
The hate.
The tears.
I don't know what I would do if I saw him again. I don't know if I would leave, confront him, attack him, or cry. I don't know.
What I do know is for now, remaining in ignorance is better than knowing.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tick tock tick tock
Before you have that time to think about what has happened, a month passes, and it no longer matters.
Before you can think about how time flew by, you have another birthday.
It just seems like months have been passing and I don't even know what happened the weeks in between.
Still no luck with the baby making though. Josh and I have discussed names and we decided he gets the boy name, I'll get the girl. I never thought about that before, and every time I think I settle on a name I lose interest in it. I liked Abigail, but it's too common for my liking. I liked Anabel, but at the same time I think it might be too old fashioned. I also, at one point, liked the names Lucy, Antoinette, Alyxia, etc. I just can't decide. Josh found a name he likes the most, and that was Anthony. I like the name Antony, without the "h", because that was the original spelling and pronunciation, and it was the name of Augustus Cesar's and Cleopatra's son. I guess we'll cross that bridge when it comes around. I think of all the girl names I like Anabel the most, because we can call her "Annie" or "Bella".
Still, that's the only thing keeping me smiling nowadays. I feel broken, because we have been actively trying for a long time to have a baby, and no luck. I have researched everything to help us, vitamins, diets, schedules, and nothing. No luck. Yet, there are tons of single mothers that were out for a one night stand getting knocked up, or white trash trailer park junkies getting pregnant and all I can think about is how I have so much love waiting for a baby. We're prepared, we're trying so hard, and nothing. At work, we call the teenagers who are getting pregnant, and the junkies having babies "medicaid babies" because they don't have jobs and so they will milk the system for all it's worth.
We have a plan though.
Josh will have his Law Degree in 18 months. I have my degree and an awesome job. Hopefully, after his graduation we can get out of this town and move into a nice three bedroom house in a better neighborhood.
A side note about this neighborhood: to give you a perspective.... yesterday at 7 a.m. my neightbor, an older guy (60's maybe) was walking around naked in his back yard. One neighbor is a drug dealer, and the other is a family of mexican's stuffed into a run down trailer. I mean, I know that sounds racist, but if I were mexican, I'd stick it to the man, and get out of the idea of the common "mexican", like get a degree and get a big house. They call us racist because they make us racist.
Anyway, as I was saying, I have been fighting to remain an optimist.
Job wise is beginning to look better, I'm getting more hours, and maybe soon get a raise.
Well gotta get to bed.
Before you can think about how time flew by, you have another birthday.
It just seems like months have been passing and I don't even know what happened the weeks in between.
Still no luck with the baby making though. Josh and I have discussed names and we decided he gets the boy name, I'll get the girl. I never thought about that before, and every time I think I settle on a name I lose interest in it. I liked Abigail, but it's too common for my liking. I liked Anabel, but at the same time I think it might be too old fashioned. I also, at one point, liked the names Lucy, Antoinette, Alyxia, etc. I just can't decide. Josh found a name he likes the most, and that was Anthony. I like the name Antony, without the "h", because that was the original spelling and pronunciation, and it was the name of Augustus Cesar's and Cleopatra's son. I guess we'll cross that bridge when it comes around. I think of all the girl names I like Anabel the most, because we can call her "Annie" or "Bella".
Still, that's the only thing keeping me smiling nowadays. I feel broken, because we have been actively trying for a long time to have a baby, and no luck. I have researched everything to help us, vitamins, diets, schedules, and nothing. No luck. Yet, there are tons of single mothers that were out for a one night stand getting knocked up, or white trash trailer park junkies getting pregnant and all I can think about is how I have so much love waiting for a baby. We're prepared, we're trying so hard, and nothing. At work, we call the teenagers who are getting pregnant, and the junkies having babies "medicaid babies" because they don't have jobs and so they will milk the system for all it's worth.
We have a plan though.
Josh will have his Law Degree in 18 months. I have my degree and an awesome job. Hopefully, after his graduation we can get out of this town and move into a nice three bedroom house in a better neighborhood.
A side note about this neighborhood: to give you a perspective.... yesterday at 7 a.m. my neightbor, an older guy (60's maybe) was walking around naked in his back yard. One neighbor is a drug dealer, and the other is a family of mexican's stuffed into a run down trailer. I mean, I know that sounds racist, but if I were mexican, I'd stick it to the man, and get out of the idea of the common "mexican", like get a degree and get a big house. They call us racist because they make us racist.
Anyway, as I was saying, I have been fighting to remain an optimist.
Job wise is beginning to look better, I'm getting more hours, and maybe soon get a raise.
Well gotta get to bed.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The good, the bad, and the rest
Would you like the good news or the bad news first?
The good news: I am getting more hours at work! Yay! Finally some initiative is being rewarded. I couldn't be more thrilled. I am going to have to learn medical billing, but at least I get one more day a week, which might classify me as "full-time", if not, I just hope I get a raise. At least I better get one. I will be the only one in the office doing literally everything beside the diagnoses. I file, answer phones and other front office stuff, as well as back office; i.e. injections, vital signs etc. Now I will be the biller as well. Wowza. That sounds like a whole lot of work.
The bad news: My doctor's appointment. I thought I was losing weight, and doing such a spectacular job. I was wrong. According to my doctor's scale over the course of three months I have only lost three pounds. Total. What sucks more is that I work out compulsively. I work out 4-6 days a week. Not to mention I fit clothes now that I hadn't before. I just keep thinking it might be muscle mass. But that is what a fat girl would say. LOL Not to mention my blood sugars aren't that great. (If I lose 50 lbs, I dont have to take my meds any more, yay!)
Also, still not pregnant. :-(
Good news: Josh is going back to school to become a paralegal. When he does, we're going to buy a house!!!!! YAY. I hope for a 3 bdrm, 2 bath house, in Stead (outskirts of town). Cross your fingers for me.
Again, still not pregnant. It's getting more than depressing. It's stressing me out. I just want to cry when I think about it. On a side note: Josh told me he likes the name Anthony for a boy. I told him I would compromise for Antony. (After the son of Cleopatra and Augustus Ceasar). We had our minds set on Abagail, or Lucy for a girl, but that might need to change.
Bye.
The good news: I am getting more hours at work! Yay! Finally some initiative is being rewarded. I couldn't be more thrilled. I am going to have to learn medical billing, but at least I get one more day a week, which might classify me as "full-time", if not, I just hope I get a raise. At least I better get one. I will be the only one in the office doing literally everything beside the diagnoses. I file, answer phones and other front office stuff, as well as back office; i.e. injections, vital signs etc. Now I will be the biller as well. Wowza. That sounds like a whole lot of work.
The bad news: My doctor's appointment. I thought I was losing weight, and doing such a spectacular job. I was wrong. According to my doctor's scale over the course of three months I have only lost three pounds. Total. What sucks more is that I work out compulsively. I work out 4-6 days a week. Not to mention I fit clothes now that I hadn't before. I just keep thinking it might be muscle mass. But that is what a fat girl would say. LOL Not to mention my blood sugars aren't that great. (If I lose 50 lbs, I dont have to take my meds any more, yay!)
Also, still not pregnant. :-(
Good news: Josh is going back to school to become a paralegal. When he does, we're going to buy a house!!!!! YAY. I hope for a 3 bdrm, 2 bath house, in Stead (outskirts of town). Cross your fingers for me.
Again, still not pregnant. It's getting more than depressing. It's stressing me out. I just want to cry when I think about it. On a side note: Josh told me he likes the name Anthony for a boy. I told him I would compromise for Antony. (After the son of Cleopatra and Augustus Ceasar). We had our minds set on Abagail, or Lucy for a girl, but that might need to change.
Bye.
Friday, August 7, 2009
When friendship reaches it's end
So, finally a curveball has been sent my direction, and I am praying for a positive outcome. However, another ball has been sent my way that I had not asked for.
I have a friend. One that had a crush on me, but I informed him of my significant other and whatnot, and thought I had put an end to it. However, even if I was single it would never ever work between us. He is far too religious. I mean, I believe in a higher power yes, but he believes anythign and everything a priest says and will sacrifice himself in the name of the lord. Honorable, in a way.... crazy too.
Anyway, I thought I had established the line between us. That he was a good friend. Maybe a best friend even.
As fate would have it, he misread me.
Last time we hung out, he wanted to "cuddle" which is fine in some cases, but I told him I would rather go out. I just was not comfortable with that.
Then we were IMing, and as I end my messages and voicemails I ended it with "goodbye love, kiss kiss." "love" being a nickname, and "kiss kiss" being my usual goodbye. He sent me back. "I want a real kiss."
I responded promptly with, "um....no."
He sent back, "Don't promise things you're not going to do." BOOM, BAM, WAM.... that was the line crossed right there. I sent back a thorough letter outlining our friendship, informing him that I was not going to do anything with him that would jeopordize my marriage, and "kiss kiss" is not a promise. I also asked that he not lose my trust, because he won't be able to get it back.
I think now, "kiss kiss" will be out of my "goodbye" from now on. Although, he was the only one in creation to take it personally.
I have a friend. One that had a crush on me, but I informed him of my significant other and whatnot, and thought I had put an end to it. However, even if I was single it would never ever work between us. He is far too religious. I mean, I believe in a higher power yes, but he believes anythign and everything a priest says and will sacrifice himself in the name of the lord. Honorable, in a way.... crazy too.
Anyway, I thought I had established the line between us. That he was a good friend. Maybe a best friend even.
As fate would have it, he misread me.
Last time we hung out, he wanted to "cuddle" which is fine in some cases, but I told him I would rather go out. I just was not comfortable with that.
Then we were IMing, and as I end my messages and voicemails I ended it with "goodbye love, kiss kiss." "love" being a nickname, and "kiss kiss" being my usual goodbye. He sent me back. "I want a real kiss."
I responded promptly with, "um....no."
He sent back, "Don't promise things you're not going to do." BOOM, BAM, WAM.... that was the line crossed right there. I sent back a thorough letter outlining our friendship, informing him that I was not going to do anything with him that would jeopordize my marriage, and "kiss kiss" is not a promise. I also asked that he not lose my trust, because he won't be able to get it back.
I think now, "kiss kiss" will be out of my "goodbye" from now on. Although, he was the only one in creation to take it personally.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Working hard or hardly working?
I find myself doing the same thing over and over again, hoping life will throw a curveball in my direction. At one point, I thought it had.
Work never changes.
I do the same thing over and over again. I come in at the crack of dawn, file, file, file, answer the phones, file, file, file, eat lunch, fax, and call patients. Its minesquile, and dull.
I thought getting my degree in the medical field would be more.... rewarding. I thought I'd be saving lives where it seems I merely tell them they can't talk to the doctor and the next available appointment is 6 months out.
I was thinking of a career change. Maybe law. I just hope it would be a great career move. I think I could get a great job as a paralegal. Or what about med school.... become a doctor. Nah. Vet? Nah. Nurse? Possibly. I think paralegal will be a great choice.
Everyone wants to become a nurse or doctor, because the medical field is an excellent choice, just because EVERYONE is doing it, there are no jobs, so law seems like a logical second choice.
We'll see.
Work never changes.
I do the same thing over and over again. I come in at the crack of dawn, file, file, file, answer the phones, file, file, file, eat lunch, fax, and call patients. Its minesquile, and dull.
I thought getting my degree in the medical field would be more.... rewarding. I thought I'd be saving lives where it seems I merely tell them they can't talk to the doctor and the next available appointment is 6 months out.
I was thinking of a career change. Maybe law. I just hope it would be a great career move. I think I could get a great job as a paralegal. Or what about med school.... become a doctor. Nah. Vet? Nah. Nurse? Possibly. I think paralegal will be a great choice.
Everyone wants to become a nurse or doctor, because the medical field is an excellent choice, just because EVERYONE is doing it, there are no jobs, so law seems like a logical second choice.
We'll see.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Feeling better...
I had a great night last night, and I hope this feeling of being remotely happy doesn't fade.
I am still depressed over not having a baby, but I am looking for an opportunity for a career, and I think I have found it. I am crossing my fingers, although, it will suck having to tell my boss that I am leaving if I get the job. I love my work, it's just part time, and I need to pay bills.
Wish me luck.
I am still depressed over not having a baby, but I am looking for an opportunity for a career, and I think I have found it. I am crossing my fingers, although, it will suck having to tell my boss that I am leaving if I get the job. I love my work, it's just part time, and I need to pay bills.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Feelings about recent
Recently, life has been feeling slightly more tough than usual. Day in and day out I see life at its peak for some, and at it's lowest for others. I just can't help but think that maybe life has other intentions for me. I try so hard, but every now and again life seems to slip from my grasp.
Should I be trying harder, or is life too short?
Josh and I have been trying really hard to make our lives better. Either by college, or jobs, either way we want more. It just seems to be getting to the point where nothing is going the way we hope for.
Since I was diagnosed with PCOS, I have come to terms with having difficulty conceiving a child, and being hopelessly overweight. I have become so motivated to overcome this awful diagnoses that I have become accustomed to exercising 5-6 days a week. I am trying so hard, and months later I have only lost 10 lbs, and still do not have a period.
I hope and hope for life to throw a curve ball of luck in our direction, but it seems maybe I was not meant to bare a child of my own. Everyone around me are having babies, and I seem to be incapable of conceiving. My sister in law is having a third child, while her last little girl is not even able to crawl yet. Two old friends of mine, twins, both having babies. Teenagers that are patients at my work, barely 14 yo, are having babies.... yet my husband and I are suffering tragically.
We have saved money, cleared out a room, bought new furniture, all for the sake of having just one blessed child, and nothing. I feel inadequate.
I can run every day and I feel like its getting me no where. I still look in the mirror and get disgusted with myself. I used to be skinny, tall, modelesque..... now I see fat. Horrible, horrible fat, and infertility. F*** Polycystic ovarian syndrome!
I have never been one to be religious. I have been too open minded to accept that just one religion is true, but this experience had shown me that if there were a god, one single god, he's torturing me and punishing me. I have resulted to praying, and getting back into the lutheran religion with my mother, to which I was baptized, and I pray and pray for help. I cry and pray to god that something will happen. That I will bare the knowledge to be great, and the body to have a child, and I have seen no retribution.
I have not sinned, I have not done evil onto anyone else on my path, and I see nothing. My heart can carry no more lives on its shoulders.
Why does life toss me fear, and anger?
Every now and again, I will feel like I have accomplished something in life, and that I can continue on this path, and live life, and just "go with the flow", but I cannot continue to go in this path. I feel inadequate, angry, hateful, and disgusting.
I just don't know what else there is to do anymore.
Should I be trying harder, or is life too short?
Josh and I have been trying really hard to make our lives better. Either by college, or jobs, either way we want more. It just seems to be getting to the point where nothing is going the way we hope for.
Since I was diagnosed with PCOS, I have come to terms with having difficulty conceiving a child, and being hopelessly overweight. I have become so motivated to overcome this awful diagnoses that I have become accustomed to exercising 5-6 days a week. I am trying so hard, and months later I have only lost 10 lbs, and still do not have a period.
I hope and hope for life to throw a curve ball of luck in our direction, but it seems maybe I was not meant to bare a child of my own. Everyone around me are having babies, and I seem to be incapable of conceiving. My sister in law is having a third child, while her last little girl is not even able to crawl yet. Two old friends of mine, twins, both having babies. Teenagers that are patients at my work, barely 14 yo, are having babies.... yet my husband and I are suffering tragically.
We have saved money, cleared out a room, bought new furniture, all for the sake of having just one blessed child, and nothing. I feel inadequate.
I can run every day and I feel like its getting me no where. I still look in the mirror and get disgusted with myself. I used to be skinny, tall, modelesque..... now I see fat. Horrible, horrible fat, and infertility. F*** Polycystic ovarian syndrome!
I have never been one to be religious. I have been too open minded to accept that just one religion is true, but this experience had shown me that if there were a god, one single god, he's torturing me and punishing me. I have resulted to praying, and getting back into the lutheran religion with my mother, to which I was baptized, and I pray and pray for help. I cry and pray to god that something will happen. That I will bare the knowledge to be great, and the body to have a child, and I have seen no retribution.
I have not sinned, I have not done evil onto anyone else on my path, and I see nothing. My heart can carry no more lives on its shoulders.
Why does life toss me fear, and anger?
Every now and again, I will feel like I have accomplished something in life, and that I can continue on this path, and live life, and just "go with the flow", but I cannot continue to go in this path. I feel inadequate, angry, hateful, and disgusting.
I just don't know what else there is to do anymore.
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