Feelings about recent

Recently, life has been feeling slightly more tough than usual. Day in and day out I see life at its peak for some, and at it's lowest for others. I just can't help but think that maybe life has other intentions for me. I try so hard, but every now and again life seems to slip from my grasp.

Should I be trying harder, or is life too short?

Josh and I have been trying really hard to make our lives better. Either by college, or jobs, either way we want more. It just seems to be getting to the point where nothing is going the way we hope for.

Since I was diagnosed with PCOS, I have come to terms with having difficulty conceiving a child, and being hopelessly overweight. I have become so motivated to overcome this awful diagnoses that I have become accustomed to exercising 5-6 days a week. I am trying so hard, and months later I have only lost 10 lbs, and still do not have a period.

I hope and hope for life to throw a curve ball of luck in our direction, but it seems maybe I was not meant to bare a child of my own. Everyone around me are having babies, and I seem to be incapable of conceiving. My sister in law is having a third child, while her last little girl is not even able to crawl yet. Two old friends of mine, twins, both having babies. Teenagers that are patients at my work, barely 14 yo, are having babies.... yet my husband and I are suffering tragically.

We have saved money, cleared out a room, bought new furniture, all for the sake of having just one blessed child, and nothing. I feel inadequate.

I can run every day and I feel like its getting me no where. I still look in the mirror and get disgusted with myself. I used to be skinny, tall, modelesque..... now I see fat. Horrible, horrible fat, and infertility. F*** Polycystic ovarian syndrome!

I have never been one to be religious. I have been too open minded to accept that just one religion is true, but this experience had shown me that if there were a god, one single god, he's torturing me and punishing me. I have resulted to praying, and getting back into the lutheran religion with my mother, to which I was baptized, and I pray and pray for help. I cry and pray to god that something will happen. That I will bare the knowledge to be great, and the body to have a child, and I have seen no retribution.

I have not sinned, I have not done evil onto anyone else on my path, and I see nothing. My heart can carry no more lives on its shoulders.

Why does life toss me fear, and anger?

Every now and again, I will feel like I have accomplished something in life, and that I can continue on this path, and live life, and just "go with the flow", but I cannot continue to go in this path. I feel inadequate, angry, hateful, and disgusting.

I just don't know what else there is to do anymore.