Want

I have wanted a secret for so long. Its starting to get painful. I have never wanted something so bad in my life than one small thing I have been unable to provide. I can't tell anyone because I am "young" but now its painful. Really painful.

All I want is a baby.

Maybe it is maternal instinct kicking in, or maybe its seeing everyone surrounding me suddenly getting pregnant, but I want a baby and have for some time.

I have seen several people around me get pregnant, and what makes things worse is that they are not married, unemployed, living with their parents, and a couple are even teenagers. I have a college degree, a husband that loves me and provides for me, and a house, and could not be in a more perfect position to have a child. Boy or girl.

My husband and I have even chosen names already. If its a boy, my husband chose Anthony. I'm not sure why, but he told me thats a name that he wanted and is stuck on. I will like it for my husband, and it has a nice ring to it after a while. I got to chose the girls name, and I chose either Lucy, which is my favorite, or Anabel, Bella as a nickname.

Anyway, the thought of how I have been unable to conceive is getting remarkably painful. I get incredibly depressed. I have gone to great lengths to improve my fertility, after a firm and prompt diagnoses of PCOS.

PCOS is a condition that prevents women from ovulation. I know, it sounds horrible, and it is. I have done everything I can to improve my chances, and I have run out of options. I think after a couple years of trying, I need to see a specialist.

I have worked out 3-5 days weekly, I have lost 20 lbs, I take folic acid and vitamins, and I have even sucussfully had a period after a year or so of vacancy in that department, I even have a doctors appointment TOMORROW. I even take a drug called metformin, which has had several cases of improvment as well. Still NOTHING.

I hate feeling this feeling of being broken. I feel so lost and like a failure. I hate being judged, I just hate everything about this. All I want is a child of my own. One I can love and cherish. It seems "god" has other plans for me.

The PCOS seems to mock me as well. It has some of the same symptoms of pregnancy, like no period, and hormonal imbalances that make your boobs hurt or give you headaches. Its fucking impossible to know whats going on.

I am proud to say after a year of nothing, I began my intense journey and I have had three periods in 5 months. A feat indeed. Still, it is December and if I were to have a 28 day cycle, I would be 3 days late as of today. I can pray, and I can want, but I have a feeling my heart will be shattered again. Recently, I have had a 40 day long cycle. Which tells me nothing. Tells me I am still very broken.

I'm broken emotionally and physically, and all I want is a child to spread joy for. Is that too much to ask?